6 February—Late again. This time, apologies to Saint Agatha, whose feast was celebrated yesterday. But not by me. She was born in Catania, Sicily—at the time a pre-Mafia Roman province—around 231 AD. She was martyred far too young in 251 and is one of the virgin martyrs named in the Roman Catholic Canon of the Mass. She’s buried in the Abbey of Saint Agatha in Catania.

Agatha is the patron saint of Catania (of course), Molise (a region of Italy), Malta (an island country in the Mediterranean with a population of about half a million), San Marino (landlocked in Europe, the world’s fifth smallest country, with a 33,600 population and the oldest constitution), Gallipoli (Italy, not Turkey), and Zamarramala (in Spain).

Although she was born to a Christian family of some means, Agatha’s adolescence must have been exceptionally difficult. Especially during Roman Emperor Decius’s persecution of Christians. Because, even though she wasn’t a Jewish princess, she had taken a vow of chastity when she was 15. And it was downhill from there.

A Roman prefect called Quintianus (not to be confused with Quintillian) had the hots for Agatha. But she refused his advances because of her vow and probably also because he had no come-from.

So steadfast Agatha was punished by being imprisoned by that Roman Jeffrey Epstein in Aphrodesia’s brothel. Yes, Aphrodesia was indeed the madam, though it’s likely that wasn’t her real name. It’s a safe bet that Agatha was raped. When that didn’t work, Epstein-Quintianus had her stretched on a rack, torn with iron hooks, burned with torches, and whipped. On top of all that torture, her breasts were torn off with pincers.

Incredible as it may seem, the poor girl evidently survived that unimaginable sadism. So Epstein-Quintianus then arranged to have her burned at the stake. When an earthquake saved her from being roasted, she was instead put in prison. St. Peter is said to have appeared to her and healed her wounds. But he evidently couldn’t get her sentence commuted, so she died in prison. No doubt, St. Peter opened the pearly gates for Agatha with no questions asked.

It’s no surprise that Agatha is the patron saint of breast cancer patients and survivors, martyrs, and wet nurses. Her intercession is invoked against fire, earthquakes, and eruptions of Mount Etna.

And Agatha is also the patron saint of bell founders (big bells are cast or founded in foundries) and bakers. So now you must be wondering why. Put it all down to art. The poor girl was not infrequently painted holding a tray with her two amputated breasts on it. The breasts have been thought to resemble bells.

As for the bakers, that seems rather more of a stretch. But there are sweetmeats of more recent provenance called Saint Agatha’s breasts. They’re small ricotta- or cream-filled hemispherical short-crust pastries with white or pink icing and candied cherries on top. Very tempting.

Agatha comes from the Greek meaning “good.” And Saint Agatha is a virgin martyr because her sex was not consensual . . .