17 March—There are no native snake species in Ireland. When St. Patrick allegedly kicked them off the Emerald Isle, they took up residence in capitols and other legislative dens of iniquity the world over and have propagated and proliferated to their own natural advantage. Apologies to snakes for the political metaphor, but the maligned snakes probably originated as a metaphor for pre-Christians in Ireland.

Ireland isn’t the only place without native snakes, of course. But it’s unlikely that St. Patrick chased them off islands like Iceland, Greenland, Hawaii, and New Zealand, as well as Antarctica and parts of Canada and Russia (not including the Kremlin, to be sure.)

You won’t find unconfined hornets or scorpions in Ireland, either, and only one species of moderately venomous spider, the false black widow. Even more profound, most of the wild life in Ireland is restricted to pubs.

So let’s go to the important part of St. Patrick’s Day. Uilleann pipe music. I disquisited about it last year in Der irische Dudelsack. This year, here it is. The last number, the way, is a uilleann pipe along with a three-drone great Scottish warpipe, rather than a two-drone great Irish warpipe: