20 December—With everything that’s going on globally, nationally, and locally these days, I recently suffered a profound crisis of faith. I was foundering at the nadir of existential positivity, sinking into nihilistic negativity, and realized that I was in dire, desperate need of a path to truth and salvation. So I naturally sought counseling with a friend who happened to be a thoughtful theologian but was a professional clergyman anyway.

The first thing my friend taught me was to forget about a path to truth and salvation and instead hasten my way to the path of truth and salvation—for there could be only one such path. So to point me in the right direction, the thoughtful theologian lent me his own personal laminated copy of a veritable decalogue of contemporary religious dogma conveniently condensed and sized to fit in a little card wallet. (He wanted it back after I had found my way, but that’s irrelevant.)

Ten religions were listed in the convenient laminated wallet-size decalogue (not in alphabetical order, surprisingly) and next to each religion was noted its noumenal-existential-observational shibboleth.

My clerical friend instructed me to study the ten religions and their respective, unique noumenal-existential-observational shibboleths, to digest their distinctive nuances, and then—and only then, after profound and sedulous consideration—decide my path to truth and salvation. Because my path to truth and salvation was certain to be the path to truth and salvation. Guaranteed.

This, then, is the decalogue that guided me. May it also guide you:

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Mohammedanism: The Prophet directs the faithful to make shit happen to infidels in a big way.
Universalist Unitarianism: Shit happens, discussion group tonight.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?