21 December—It appears that my spiritual savior short-changed me by offering only ten options for finding truth and salvation. He insists, however, that he was actually narrowing my focus only because he was afraid I’d be overwhelmed by the ungodly morass of mostly specious stercoraceous salvation that’s waiting to enshroud and stultify the needy. And room on his little laminated wallet card was limited anyway. So we all must thank a particularly sedulous reader for the following comprehensive (albeit still incomplete) scatonoumenal revelation:

Taoist: Shit happens.
Confucian: Confucius say [sic], “Shit happens.”
Buddhist: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Zen Buddhist #1: Shit is. And is not.
Zen Buddhist #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hindu: This shit has happened before.
Muslim #1: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Muslim #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Muslim #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholic: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestant (generic): Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another person.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another person.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don’t talk about it.
Fundamentalist #1: If shit happens, you will go to hell unless you are born again. Amen!
Fundamentalist #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.
Fundamentalist #3: Shit must be born again.
Jew: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinist: Shit happens because you don’t work.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationist: God made all shit.
Secular Humanist: Shit happens because it’s only right.
Christian Scientist #1: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor. Pray!
Christian Scientist #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarian: Come, let us reason together about this shit.
Quaker: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopian: This shit does not stink.
Darwinist: Shit evolves.
Capitalist: That’s MY shit.
Socialist: It’s everybody’s shit.
Communist: Shit happens or else.
Feminist: Men are shit.
Chauvinist: We may be shit, but you can’t live without us.
Mercantilist: Package this shit.
Impressionist: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolist: Bronze this shit.
Existentialist #1: Shit doesn’t happen, shit IS.
Existentialist #2: What is shit anyway?
Stoic: This shit is good for me.
Salvation Army: Shit happens, Sir!
Hedonist: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormon #1: God sent us this shit.
Mormon #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: If it harms no one, let shit happen.
Scientologist: If shit happens, see “Dianetics” p 157.
Jehovah’s Witness #1:Knock, knock. Shit happens.
Jehovah’s Witness #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah’s Witness #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonie: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarian: Let’s smoke this shit!
Zoroastrian: Shit happens half the time.
Pragmatist: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic #1: Shit may have happened—or maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanist: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheist #1: What shit?
Atheist #2: I can’t believe this shit!
Nihilist: No shit.
Narcissist: I am the shit!
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens—one day at a time!

Readers with additional scatonoumenal knowledge and/or suggestions are encouraged to contact The Monitor without delay . . .