22 April—The late Pope Francis, requiescat in pace and עליו השלום (alav hashalom), was the first Jesuit to occupy the office next to God’s. The Jesuits say that’s because their order’s emphasis is on service rather than leadership. Moreover, despite having a unique vow of special obedience to the pope in so-called matters of mission, since the Society of Jesus (Societas Iesu), abbreviated SJ, was founded in 1540, it hasn’t always gotten along too well with popes. But don’t worry about it.

Instead, enjoy some Jesuit jokes straight out of the Liber iocus apocryphus officialis societatis Iesu:

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A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were jogging when an apparition of the Holy Family appeared, with Infant Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Dominican fell on his face, overcome with awe. The Franciscan fell to his knees, in adoration. The Jesuit asked Joseph, “Have you thought about where to send the boy to school?”

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A Franciscan gets a haircut and asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and returns to his cloister. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans’ bake shop.

An Augustinian gets a haircut at the same tonsorial parlor and asks the barber how much he owes. The barber tells him, too, that he never charges clergy. The next morning the barber receives a magnum of wine from the Augustinians’ cellar.

A Jesuit gets a haircut and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. When the barber opens his shop the next morning, there are twelve more Jesuits waiting for him.

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A Franciscan and a Jesuit were smokers who found it difficult to pray for any length of time without having a cigarette. So they decided to ask their superiors for permission to smoke.

When they met again, the Franciscan was downcast: “I asked my superior if I could smoke while I pray and he said ‘no.’”

The Jesuit smiled: “I asked my rector if I could pray while I smoke. He said ‘of course.’”

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A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were in the same hospice. One evening, the angel of death (malach ha-mavis) appeared, informing them that it was their time and that each could have a final request before accompanying her from this world.

The Dominican asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant, the face of Jesus appeared before him. Thus the moribund priest felt he could die with no regrets.

The Franciscan wanted to touch the Stigmata of Jesus. So Christ appeared and invited him to examine his wounds. The dying priest touched Christ’s hands and feet and wept with joy, peace, and contentment.

Finally, the angel of death asked the Jesuit for his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied, “I’d like a second opinion.”

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A Benedictine, a Dominican, and a Jesuit were playing poker when the lights went out. The Benedictine said, “My brothers, let us take this opportunity to consider the debt we owe to our sister, the light.” The Dominican said, “Yes, but let us also take this opportunity to contemplate the difference between light and dark.” The Jesuit went down to the cellar, found the fuse box, and reset the breaker.

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A Jesuit and a Franciscan were having Boston cream pie after dinner. There were two pieces of pie, one small and the other large. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, “St. Francis always taught us to take the smaller piece.” The Jesuit retorted, “And so you have it.”

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Our Franciscan, Dominican, and Jesuit joggers were playing golf one day. Their round was moving along quite well until they got stuck behind a threesome of golfers who were taking quite a long time and weren’t letting anyone else play through. Feeling irritated, the three priests went to the club manager to complain. The manager told them that the slow golfers were blind. “It takes them more time, fathers, so please be patient.”

The Franciscan got down on his knees and begged God’s forgiveness for his anger. The Dominican repented of his impatience and vowed to do more to help the poor and disabled.

The Jesuit asked the manager, “Why don’t you make them play at night?”

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The Franciscan and Dominican in the hospice were constantly on one another’s case about whose order was the greater. So they decided to ask God for an answer—after they died, of course. So when they crossed the bar, they met in heaven and went to God to resolve their old dispute. God seemed rather perplexed about the question and told the recently deceased priests that he’d have to give the question careful consideration and in the circumstance he’d issue his decision in writing.

So a few heavenly days later the two late priests received this godly memo: “My sons, please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both orders are equally great and good in my eyes. Yours truly, God, SJ”

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Yes indeed, with a few strategic tweaks those jokes could be told about virtually any group. But don’t get too Jesuitical about it.

And don’t fail to see “Conclave,” a delightful political thriller from last year about how the next pope will be chosen . . .