7 August—Whew! Close call. But don’t worry, I’m still disquisiting for The Monitor.

Without going into why (but it’s pretty damn obvious), just yesterday, Donald Trump’s canicidal homeland security secretary announced that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement is in dire need of agents, so there’s no longer an upper age limit of 40 to join the blackshirts. In fact, there’s no upper age limit at all.

At least if you can believe anything out of the current administration. And of course I believe my government.

I’m 82 but could easily pass for non-orange 79 (well, maybe 80) and could still tie up my own shoes if I had any footwear with laces, which however are totally unnecessary. Moreover, I can shoot lethal and non-lethal sidearms and easily hit targets at the close range favored by ICE operatives. And wielding a truncheon (euphemistically called a baton) is second nature, since I often carry a walking stick—as a fashion statement, to be sure, rather than a support device.

And who doesn’t respect and admire federal government employees? Especially when they carry badges and guns that allow them to do anything they bloody well please. And in addition to great benefits, there’s always the U.S. government’s legendary job security.

It was a no-brainer, then. So I went to the ice.gov website and admired the rogues gallery of criminal aliens in and out of custody before adjourning to the dhs.gov website and then to usajobs.gov.

Wow! After reading all that wonderful stuff, some of which is pictured here, I couldn’t wait to submit my application to ICE.

But then I got to the oath of office:

“I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend Donald J. Trump against anyone he deems unfriendly or uncooperative, foreign, domestic, and extraterrestrial, during his term or terms in office and forever after; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the great, gracious, beneficent, and perfect leader; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God and Donald.”

That’s why I’m still here . . .