27 April—FLASH! According to the front label on the mini-jug, Hershey’s Simple 5 Syrup verifiably contains no GMO constituents or high-fructose corn syrup among its five allegedly simple ingredients. So you needn’t worry about growing unwanted body parts. Even better—and at least equally important—it has “genuine chocolate flavor.” Wow! You wonder how much of a bonus the copywriter who came up with that gem was given. It’s goddamn chocolate syrup, so why the hell shouldn’t it have genuine chocolate flavor, and what is genuine chocolate flavor anyway? Not that most of us would know or care.

Perhaps that’s unkind to the copywriter. Because, while the Hershey (since 1894) name and chocolate-brown mini-jug pretty well tell consumers they’re looking at a chocolate product, chocolate isn’t anywhere in the name of the product and it’s not particularly prominent on the label. But at least we’re assured the chocolate flavor is genuine.

Diligent research confirms that all of Hershey’s chocolate syrups have “genuine chocolate flavor,” while the syrup with “indulgent caramel flavor” in a lighter (i.e., caramel) brown container admits to “natural and artificial flavor” and the syrup in the red (i.e., strawberry) container concedes that its “delicious strawberry flavor” is in fact artificial.

The label on the back of the Simply 5 mini-jug tells us, inter alia, that it’s also gluten free and that while a 45-calorie tablespoon provides absolutely no nutrition, it does treat us to 12 grams of carbohydrates and 11 grams of added sugars.

Simply 5’s five allegedly simple ingredients are, in order of weight: “sugar, organic invert syrup, water, cocoa, and natural vanilla flavor.” The ingredients certainly sound simple. Thus we’re relieved to know that the genuine chocolate flavor comes from genuine cocoa rather than genuine artificial flavor, even though there’s evidently not much more cocoa than there is natural vanilla flavor in Simply 5. Why sugar and inverted syrup? And how is natural vanilla flavor different from natural vanilla? Can it be a matter of quantity?

The organic invert syrup, by the way, is merely a substitute for the high fructose corn syrup Hershey wants us to know isn’t a constituent of Simply 5. It’s organic, of course, which, as everybody knows, eo ipso makes it healthy; but it’s merely a mixture of glucose and fructose. It’s called an invert sugar for reasons a glycobiologist would understand and maybe even care about. It’s sweeter than table sugar but not quite as sweet as high fructose corn syrup.

Curiously (or not), none of Simply 5’s other four ingredients is claimed to be organic. So maybe the syrup isn’t as healthy as we’re supposed to think it is. Horrors!

The sweet folks at Hershey (since 1894) probably use invert syrup for economic rather than nutritional reasons, but it also allows them to boast “No high fructose corn syrup” on the label—because everybody eschews high fructose corn syrup.

Thick liquids like syrups are customarily measured by weight rather than volume. Strange as it may seem, given the relative weights of sugar and water in this syrup, Simply 5 is somewhat thinner than many other syrups. But it’s nevertheless measured by weight. Thus, with a pound of chocolate syrup filling 1^1/3 cups, the three pounds of Simply 5 whose label is pictured here should fill four cups, known to some as one quart. (The Monitor’s ever-diligent fact checker confirmed that they do.)

Why, you may wonder, Hershey’s Simply 5 for this disquisition? Well, early last month Ocean State Job Lot was selling it for about four bucks for two three-pound containers. And at that price it’s not at all bad—even for somebody who isn’t particularly fond of chocolate . . .