14 June—The Litchfield Monitor has obtained exclusive access to the top-secret plans for Donald Trump’s birthday parade today, thanks to an anonymous source in the White House. The plans for the precedent-setting celebration had evidently been strategically crafted by Trump’s Jewish Nazi deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller.

While intended as a celebration of the beloved Drecksack Führer’s 79^th birthday, the unpretentious presidential birthday parade might appear to dissidents, insurrectionists, and seditionists to be an intimidating show of military force in the tradition of Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Kim Jong Un. Shame on them. The dissidents, insurrectionists, and seditionists, of course.

And the parade of nonbelligerent troops and nonviolent matériel in honor of the revered leader’s birthday mustn’t be construed as a hint to the Associated Press that unless it calls the former Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America it will be destroyed, annihilated, sent to kingdom come. Like the Corporation for Publish Broadcasting.

Nor must the moving birthday party be construed as a promise that today it’s Canada, Mexico, and Greenland (the 51^st, 52^nd, and 53^rd states), and tomorrow it’s the world.

On the other hand, we mustn’t forget that like Lola in “Damn Yankees,” thanks to the Supreme Court, whatever Donald wants Donald gets. It’s good to be the king . . .