30 July—It appears that Russia’s irredeemably diabolical president Vladimir Putrid hasn’t given up his malevolent quest to destroy most of the world and annex the post-apocalyptic remainder. To wit, just yesterday he produced an exceedingly powerful earthquake intended to generate a cataclysmic tsunami. Putrid made his impressive 8.8 magnitude quake near Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky (literally the City of Peter and Paul on the Kamchatka Peninsula), a metropolis in Russia’s Far East, which happens to be in the North Pacific, only about 700 miles from Attu, the westernmost of America’s forlorn Aleutian Islands.

Stuff and nonsense, you’re thinking. Everybody knows that earthquakes can’t be caused by people but are in fact caused by the movement of the tectonic plates at and near the planet’s surface that are constantly shifting and interacting. The plates may collide, slide past each other, or pull apart, thus stressing the edges—popularly known as faults. When the stress exceeds the strength of the rocks that comprise the tectonic plates, they fracture and slip, releasing the seismic waves that cause the earth to quake—and not infrequently produce tsunamis.

But think again. Because man-made explosions are known to cause seismic activity: the bigger the explosion, the greater the seismic activity. Of course. Underground explosions are especially effective at generating seismic activity. So just think what underground nuclear and thermonuclear explosions can do.

And don’t forget that the biggest man-made explosion ever, a hydrogen (thermonuclear) bomb, was set off by Russia. Well, the Soviet Union, as it was in 1961, and what Putrid wants to make Russia again. The blast of the Tsar Bomba was so powerful that it registered as a 5.8 magnitude earthquake even though it was detonated in the atmosphere.

Better yet, Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky is located on the Kuril-Kamchatka Arc subduction zone, a major fault line where the Pacific Plate is sliding beneath the North America Plate. So think what just a little underground nuclear blast up there can do.

And best yet, underground nuclear testing is in fact permitted under the 1963 Limited Test Ban Treaty, the last one to be ratified by the United States and China, among others. No test-ban treaties since then. Not that anybody has ever taken any of those things seriously anyway.

But we have absolutely nothing to worry about because we’ve seen already that the destructive forces of dastardly Comrade Putrid’s earthquake and tsunami have been dissipated—virtually negated—by Donald Trump in his capacity as Poseidon. And it’s not at all surprising that given his legendary modesty Trump hasn’t taken any credit at all for saving Earth from the wrath of his former best bud.

We don’t need Superman. We have Trump . . .