30 April—Donald Trump’s evil empire is in mourning today. Not because Trump’s first-hundred-day poll rating is the lowest of any president since serious polling began 80 years ago. Do dictators give a damn about poll ratings?

Not because the stock market has declined more precipitously than during the first days of any presidential term since Nixon’s second in 1973. Stock-market performance is only tangential to the real world, after all.

Not even because today is Honesty Day. Because “honesty” is an offensive word and alien concept to Trump.

So why the great mourning? Well, Adolf Hitler committed suicide exactly 80 years ago today in his Berlin Führerbunker when it became clear even to the deranged and depressed dictator, con man, and tax cheat that Germany and he were big losers.

Hitler had married Eva Braun on 29 April 1945, the day before, so they couldn’t have had much of a honeymoon. In a bunker? Come on. And were cyanide capsules the wedding present from thoughtful Heinrich Himmler’s SS? But Hitler didn’t trust the cyanide capsules, so he tested one on his beloved four-year-old German shepherd Blondi. It worked. Greater love is nothing compared to self-interest.

Just as awful, Hitler had Blondi’s litter of month-old purebred puppies shot. And what’s worse, Hitler had Eva Braun’s two beloved Scotties, Negus and Stasi, shot—supposedly to prevent their being captured by the Allies. (Eva had the good taste to love Scotties, the bad taste to love Hitler.)

Eva Hitler dutifully swallowed her cyanide capsule and it worked on her as it had on faithful Blondi. Eva’s body had the distinct aroma of burnt almonds, according to Hitler’s personal adjutant. Newlywed Adolf’s corpse, on the other hand, wasn’t redolent of burnt almonds. But it did smell of gunpowder. Because he done himself in with a shot through the temple from his trusty little 7.65mm (.32ACP) Walther PPK. (The PPK is a wonderful compact pistol—if you like pistols.)

Good riddance to Adolf Hitler. And to Joseph Goebbels, his virulently antisemitic propaganda minister (a.k.a PR man), who offed himself in the Führerbunker on 1 May. But Goebbels and his Frau poisoned their six children (ages four to 12) before doing themselves in. The innocent kids deserved to live, just like the innocent Scottish terriers and German shepherds.

And that takes us to an email in response to yesterday’s disquisition from La Conservatissima in Florida, soon to be known as No-Fluorida, because fluoride is about to be banned from public water down there. La writes, “Stop all the bull….. this is your opinion. And we are tired of it!!!! Your jealousy of him Shows!!!!!!!!!”

Presumably La is alluding to The Monitor’s unequivocal distaste for Donald Trump and his flunkies. So The Monitor must ask, is La Conservatissima better off now than she was before Trump slithered into office? And La is free to not read any opinions she’s tired of reading.

But I hadn’t been aware that my jealousy of him—surprised she doesn’t capitalize it rather than Shows—shows. I thought I’d kept it in the closet. La is right. I do indeed envy Donald Trump. Because he can kiss my ass and I can’t . . .