26 July—22 September 2021, the first day of autumn last year, I wrote a little piece about the great folks at Hammacher Schlemmer and the marvelous merchandise they sell. Here are a couple of paragraphs:

“[Wonderful gadgets.] Even the useless stuff. Even though their products are by no means inexpensive, [Hammacher Schlemmer] are great to do business with, particularly with their no-questions-asked lifetime-warranty return policy. I’ve returned a couple of items after several years for full refunds. No questions were asked.

“My only problem with Hammacher Schlemmer is that their copywriters don’t know how to use hyphens. To be exact, they seem not to know that hyphens even exist. And the clever grammatical expedient of adding the definite article to all its offerings makes them sound more impressive than they may be. But why quibble? Especially since their phone bank is actually in the United States.”

Well, on the subject of wonderful gadgets, this summer HS offers these two outstanding items that everybody needs. Among others, of course:

The Wearable Anxiety Reducer. Most of us get stressed at times. So who can doubt that blowing into a sixty-dollar tube that you wear as a necklace will reduce that stress? And if that doesn’t do the job, there’s always the one-week trial of the (as opposed to an) anxiety-relieving app. But what do you do when the week is up?

It must be noted that the hyphen makes a brief appearance—perhaps the first in HS literature—in the The Wearable Anxiety Reducer blurb. Maybe one day the hyphen will make it to HS titles.

The Fireplace Toilet. What the guys at HS call this item is irrelevant. Because it’s not only a brilliantly economical use of space, but sure to set a trend for modern efficient, compact living. What else can I say? What else needs to be said?