7 December—Having been unfairly (obviously) passed over for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, Donald Trump has just been awarded the coveted—and very first—FIFA Peace Prize. Talk about a meritorious organization giving meritorious recognition to a meritorious person. No wonder Trump gushed, it’s “truly one of the great honors” of his life. Who wants the crummy Nobel anyway!? It’s awarded by a bunch of corrupt and ignorant Vikings, after all. And Trump doesn’t need the money. (Not that he wouldn’t take it, to be sure.)

FIFA president—and symbiotic Trump goomba—Gianni Infantino reflexively gushed about Trump’s “unwavering commitment to advancing peace and unity throughout the world through . . . notable leadership.” What guys!

After all, as Trump reminded his claque at the now-disgraced Kennedy Center, “We saved millions and millions of lives.” We? Was he admitting that he didn’t end those seven to nine different wars—depending on the day—all by himself? Or was he using the presidential “we”?

But Trump wasn’t forgetting about “so many different wars that we were able to end, in some cases, a little bit before they started, just right before they started.” Is that remarkable or is that amazing!?

Nor was Trump forgetting about what he called soccer’s ability to unite countries, although international soccer matches are notorious for fomenting disastrous violence, as regularly has broken out at World Cup matches and is likely to break out at next year’s World Cup co-hosted by the United States, Canada, and Mexico.

Did FIFA know (or care) about little things like Trump’s undeclared and unlawful war (really no more than serial murders) on motorboats in the Caribbean and Pacific or his threats to invade Venezuela? And has everyone forgotten about his threats to invade Greenland, Canada, and Mexico if he doesn’t get his tyrannical way? His wayward warlord is probably planning the invasions right now—in a cell-phone conversation monitored by The Washington Post.

Not that FIFA gives a damn about any of Trump’s bellicosity or belligerence. Because FIFA—Fédération Internationale des Associations de Football (International Federation of Football Associations)—being self-regulatory, does whatever it bloody well pleases. It’s the world governing body of association football (soccer), beach football (beach soccer) played on sand, and futsal (small-pitch soccer) played on relatively compact fields.

And like pretty well all international sports bodies, FIFA is (and always will be) notoriously corrupt, with extensive proven allegations and convictions of its bosses for crimes like bribery, fraud, and money laundering. Including in the United States, where a few FIFA felons are still doing hard time in soft federal slammers.

No wonder Donald Trump loves FIFA. And since it’s a symbiotic relationship, may we count on Trump excreting his disgraceful pardons on FIFA felons? Quid pro quo, ya know . . .