14 July—Thinking about Tommy Tuberville, the freshman Republican U.S. Senator from Alabama who made his millions as a college football coach and is now stubbornly and unreasonably endangering our country’s security, it occurred to me that just as both houses of Congress have clerks and chaplains, they should also have resident proctologists. And you don’t have to be an astute political analyst to figure out why.

But just in case, it’s obviously because there are so many sick assholes in Congress. Both houses. And Tommy Tuberville is a proctologist’s dream, a prime exhibit in a proctology lecture.

Were it not for an originally well-intended rule of the United States Senate, most of us probably wouldn’t realize how sick an asshole Tuberville is. We wouldn’t even know who he is. It’s the notorious Senate Hold. It sounds like a wrestling maneuver but is simply a parliamentary trick that allows a single senator to prevent a motion from reaching a vote on the Senate floor.

The Hold is a consequence and concomitant of another Senate rule, that “no motion to proceed to the consideration of any bill . . . shall be entertained . . . unless by unanimous consent.” One holdout, there goes unanimous consent. The Senate and House make and amend their own rules for their own convenience and sometimes the rules come back to haunt them.

Tommy Tuberville evidently didn’t realize (or care) that “white nationalist” was essentially a euphemism for “racist” until he was taken to task this week for his intransigent ignorance (which is politically expedient in Alabama). He’s been manifesting his anally pruritic politics through much of this term by putting and keeping his hold on scores of senior military promotions and nominations, including the topmost brass, in his obviously narrow-minded and misguided crusade (which is politically expedient in Alabama) to kill a Defense Department policy that helps ensure access to abortions for service members and their families.

Preparation H simply isn’t enough to assuage the pain caused by Sen. Tommy Tuberville . . .