14 January—Starbucks has just announced that henceforth only paying customers will be allowed to take up coffeehouse space and avail themselves of the company’s bathroom facilities. Sounds perfectly reasonable. And that had in fact been the company policy before a pair of Philadelphia freeloaders who just happened not to be white got themselves arrested and thus precipitated some unjustified PR embarrassment for Starbucks.

Tangential to coffeehouses, then, there’s a variety of Hood’s Planet Oat oatmilk called “barista lovers” [sic—all lower case and no apostrophe]. It’s “crafted to blend & whiten like dairy milk.” That it does quite well. And it really is rather good in taste as well as consistency, doubtless because of the 150 calories in a cup—most of which must come from sunflower oil, which is the third listed ingredient after filtered water and oats. (But barista lovers still is less caloric than sugar-free coffee sweeteners.)

Although I’ve never been in a coffeehouse (really) and drink only one cup of coffee a day (really), I reckon the Planet Oat barista association comes from the creaminess of the oatmilk. But why “barista lovers”? “Barista” is actually the Italian word for “barman,” “barmaid,” “barkeeper,” “bartender.” It’s gender neutral in English. And to emphasize the “lovers” aspect of the oatmilk, over “barista lovers” there are two coffee beans juxtaposed on one another to look like a heart. That’s brilliant.

Certainly the coffee bar and barista association is important, even vital, to marketing this particular product. But what do loving a gender neutral barista and/or amatory relationships among baristas have to do with any variety of any product that any barista might dispense? Are only lovers of baristas or baristas in love allowed to consume barista lovers oat milk?

Of course not. On the other hand, what can Planet Oat do to distinguish its creamy product from all the other creamy blends of plant milk in the grocery refrigerators? Selling it cheaper always works. And Hood does that, at least in promos. (Otherwise I shouldn’t have bought Planet Oat anything, in the first place.) Certainly there’s something in a distinctive name and logo. But you shouldn’t have to be a barista or love a barista in order to like Planet Oat’s barista-style veggie milk.

So wouldn’t a less amatory product name be more appropriate and less misleading than “barista lovers”? Because it just isn’t right to lead consumers to believe the product they’re consuming is something it isn’t? We leave that to politicians.

🐕 🐕 🐕 🐕 🐕 🐕 🐕

On the subject of marketing, Ocean State Job Lot is now hawking “Professional Grade Puppy Pads.” Professional Grade? Dare one even wonder what Amateur Grade Puppy Pads are like?