6 February—America’s official national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner,” has words (“Defence of Fort M’Henry,” most of which nobody knows) by Francis Scott Key set to the theme song (“Anacreon in Heaven”) of a high-class London boozing-club (the Anacreontic Society) by John Stafford Smith. (Not coincidentally, Anacreon was a Greek poet best known for drinking songs and erotic poems.) “The Star-Spangled Banner” is notably and notoriously hard to sing and is all about violence and the past. And Francis Scott Key owned slaves.

Those are among the reasons America needs a new and updated national anthem. Another reason is that our national anthem should be looking to the future. Isn’t that what Make American Great Again is all about?

As it happens, there’s an existing musical masterpiece that’s not only appropriate, but perfect for America’s national anthem. We can, for instance, be pretty certain that the people (both men, unfortunately) who wrote the words and music didn’t own slaves. And the words speak of the greatness of the nation now and of making it even greater. Is that MAGA or is that MAGA? Moreover, it’s not anybody’s national anthem. Not officially, anyway.

The perfectly appropriate new national anthem for the United States of America, then, has to be “Land of Hope and Glory.” While you may think it’s the official national anthem of the United Kingdom, think again. Because, like a constitution, they don’t have one. Even the song with the ridiculous lyrics the Brits sing before everything they do to the tune of “My Country, ’Tis of Thee” isn’t official, just de facto.

The music for “Land of Hope and Glory” is actually the trio theme from Sir Edward Elgar’s “Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1,” which you may recall if you attended your high school graduation or a Proms concert at the Albert Hall in London. Elgar, who probably never owned slaves, wrote it for King Edward VII’s coronation in 1901. A.C. Benson, who also probably never owned slaves, added the words the following year.

The British Empire was still growing when Benson, who was teaching at Eton at the time (but later was Master of Madgalene [pronounced “maudlin”] College at Cambridge University), wrote the blatantly imperialistic “Wider still and wider shall thy bounds be set.” But now that the American Empire has begun to grow again—as we annex Panama, Greenland, Canada, Mexico, and Gaza for starters—what else needs to be said?

We needn’t feel any guilt about annexing the Brits’ unofficial national anthem, by the way. Did we feel any guilt when we annexed a good part of North America from them? Most of us, anyway.

Here, then, is A.C. Benson’s “Land of Hope and Glory”:

Land of Hope and Glory, Mother of the Free,
How shall we extol thee, who are born of thee?
Wider still and wider shall thy bounds be set;
God, who made thee mighty, make thee mightier yet,
God, who made thee mighty, make thee mightier yet.

And here’s Dame Clara Butt, a truly imposing figure at 6’2”, singing “Land of Hope and Glory” less than a decade after it was written:

And here’s an octet of pianists (using all 16 hands, presumably) and a solo timpanist (using two hands) playing “Pomp and Circumstance” on four Steinway D grands and three anonymous timpani, respectively:

Addendum: Donald Trump would certainly prefer “God Save the King” as a national anthem because it would be all about him. Except for the line “May he defend our laws,” of course. Here are the words that his loyal and/or fearful claque must recite on command lest they be excommunicated:

God save our gracious King!
Long live our noble King!
God save the King!
Send him victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the King!
Thy choicest gifts in store,
On him be pleased to pour;
Long may he reign.
May he defend our laws,
And ever give us cause,
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the King!

Incredible and unbelievable!