5 September—World Beard Day is celebrated on the first Saturday of September, which this year is the fifth. Today. As it happens, on 5 September back in 1698, Tsar Peter I of Russia, commonly known as Peter the Great, put an annual tax on beards. He did it by issuing a ukase—what Tsar Donald I, commonly known as Donald the Scummy, calls an executive order.

In the interest of accuracy, it must be noted that in 1698 Russia was still using the Julian calendar, so 5 September 1698 corresponds to 15 September on the Gregorian calendar. In the interest of thoroughness, moreover, Russia didn’t adopt the Gregorian calendar until 1918, under the evil Soviet communist Bolshevik regime of Vladimir Ulyanov, commonly known as Vladimir Lenin.

Apropos nothing, in 1699 Peter also executively ordered that the Russian calendar replace the old Byzantine (Eastern Church) year of creation—7208 (thought to be 5,509 years before Christ, some 1,748 years before the Jewish year of creation)—with the more practical one used in Western Europe, so the day after 31 December 7208 became 1 January 1700 in Russia.

Back to beards, then, and sidestepping gratuitous comment on Peter the Great’s tyrannical reign, mandating shaving was among his efforts to modernize and westernize Russia—because, beardless but discreetly moustached himself, he considered traditional long Russian beards as signs of backwardness and ignorance, and clean-shaven faces as a symbol of European modernity. And another tax never hurts the government that collects it—and this one was projected to bring in mucho rubles.

Peter’s police and other officials were authorized to publicly and forcibly shave any man who refused to comply with the tonsorial mandate or pay the tax, which was essentially a graduated, means-tested penalty (i.e., nobles, oligarchs, plutocrats, and other government officials paid more than peasants for facial hair) and would thus have met famously bearded Karl Marx’s desideratum “from each according to his ability.” Of course, even without a First Amendment to protect their church-mandated beards, orthodox priests were exempt from the gender-specific tax.

Upon payment of the beard tax/penalty, men were given a copper or silver proof-of-payment token (presumably based on the level of payment), which they were required to carry at all times lest they be arrested or otherwise hassled by Peter’s ICE goons.

It’s no surprise that Tsar Peter’s ludicrous beard tax wasn’t well received by his adoring subjects. Brings to mind Trumpflation. Like many taxes rationalized as being for purposes other than revenue enhancement, the beard tax underperformed significantly because of low compliance and difficult administration and even provoked a military rebellion in 1705, which, however, Peter brutally put down.

But Peter the Great didn’t relent and the beard tax stayed on Mother Russia’s books until his Prussian-born granddaughter-in-law Catherine the Great (who overthrew her husband, Peter III, to become Empress of Russia in 1762) finally repealed it in 1772.

You wonder why it took so long to repeal the distinctly and demonstrably unpopular Russian beard tax. And why don’t most taxes get repealed? But can’t you see Ned Lamont and his cronies coming up with a beard tax as yet another sneaky way to raise revenue to buy votes? They’d likely call it something like a passport to pogonotomy freedom or a hypertrichological benefits charge . . .