15 April—Tomorrow is the first day of Passover, the Jewish celebration of the Israelites’ escape from slavery in Egypt—better known as the Exodus. Since all Jewish holidays start the preceding evening (never to be confused with Christmas Eve), the first seder—Passover ritual meal—will be held tonight.

I won’t expatiate on the distinctions among the terms Jew, Hebrew, and Israelite. So you can relax. But know that the Israelites lived in Canaan before it was known as Falls Village.

To get to the point, then, here are ten signs you’re at a Republican seder:

The GOP Seder

10. They refuse to answer the four questions (see below) without a subpoena.

9. They demand a recount of the ten plagues.

8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the ground that according to Chad Gadya (a disgusting song, see it below) it still costs only two zuzzim (silver coins, four to a shekel) to buy a goat.

7. The afikomen (a half-piece of matzo for kids to find—for profit, of course) is hidden in the Cayman Islands.

6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah (a Jewish VIP: very important prophet) until they see his immigration papers.

5. They attack Moses (Jewish patriarch, played by NRA president C. Heston in the movie “Exodus”) for negotiating a deal with Pharaoh because why would we negotiate with our enemies?

4. They don’t understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.

3. They omit the parts about slavery from the Haggadah (required Passover reading) because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.

2. They keep asking, “When do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”

1. They end the seder by singing “Next year in Mar-a-Lago.” (God forbid!)

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Chad Gadya

A father bought a kid for two zuzim;

a cat came and ate the kid;

a dog then bit the cat;

the dog was beaten by a stick;

the stick was burned by fire;

water quenched the fire;

an ox drank the water;

a shohet (ritual slaughterer) slaughtered the ox;

the shohet was killed by the Angel of Death who

in punishment was destroyed by God.

Editor’s note: Don’t forget, the kid is a young goat, because most Jews, contrary to popular belief, do not ordinarily eat human children. Chad Gadya is pronounced with a guttural CH, like you’re spitting at Chabad; and Gadya is Godyah. It’s only right that the murderous shohet was slaughtered, but God shouldn’t have destroyed the Angel of Death for doing his or her job. Hebrew for angel of death is מלאך המוות (moloch hamawvis), which is what we called a policeman when I was growing up. Even before Black Lives Matter.

The Four Questions

Why is this night different from all other nights?

On all other nights we eat leavened products and matzo, and on this night only matzo.

On all other nights we eat all vegetables, and on this night only bitter herbs.

On all other nights, we don’t dip our food even once, and on this night we dip twice.

On all other nights we eat sitting or reclining, and on this night we only recline.

Editor’s note: Yeah, it’s really five questions, but evidently the first one is supposed to be construed as an introduction rather than a question. Forget about the answers. And the reclining bit is open to interpretation.