30 April—While rummaging through the extensive library of a recently deceased biblical scholar just up the road in Canaan recently, The Monitor’s biblical food editor happened upon a rolled-up copy of the Torah (a.k.a. the Pentateuch, the Five Books of Moses, the Jewish Bible, the Old Testament) painstakingly calligraphed on vellum by an anonymous sofer (scribe) about 3,500 years ago, probably in the other Canaan. No idea of the provenance, unfortunately.

The holy scroll was in excellent condition. Indeed, given the incredibly ancient date, which was confirmed by three independent carbon-dating experts, the Canaan Torah was in absolutely fantastic condition. Even the holy ink hadn’t faded too much.

So reading the five books was pretty easy for our biblical food editor. It helped that he was pretty conversant with Hebrew, which hasn’t changed all that much in two-and-a-half millennia. Anyway, when he got to the Second Book of Moses—Exodus, actually about Moses—he couldn’t believe what he read.

The text as we know it today is:

וַיֹּאמֶר יְהוָה אֶל–מֹשֶׁה, הִנְנִי מַמְטִיר לָכֶם לֶחֶם מִן–הַשָּׁמָיִם; וְיָצָא הָעָם וְלָקְטוּ דְּבַר–יוֹם בְּיוֹמוֹ, לְמַעַן אֲנַסֶּנּוּ הֲיֵלֵךְ בְּתוֹרָתִי אִם–לֹא

As Exodus 16:4, the beloved King James Version translates the text in question thus: “Then said the Lord unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate [i.e., enough] every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.”

But what our astounded biblical food editor actually read in the ancient scroll—probably the oldest extant Torah, possibly even the holy Urtext—is this:

וַיֹּאמֶר יְהוָה אֶל–מֹשֶׁה, הִנְנִי מַמְטִיר לָכֶם פיצה מִן–הַשָּׁמָיִם; וְיָצָא הָעָם וְלָקְטוּ דְּבַר–יוֹם בְּיוֹמוֹ, לְמַעַן אֲנַסֶּנּוּ הֲיֵלֵךְ בְּתוֹרָתִי אִם–לֹא

One word is different, only one word; it likely came directly from the Old Canaanite Ursprache, from which Hebrew evolved. The word we’ve been taught that God spake unto Moses is לֶחֶם “lehem” (pronounced “lechem”), which means “bread.” It’s found around here in Bethlehem, for instance, which means “house of bread.”

But as you can see by reading the italic Hebrew, the 3,500-year-old Torah contains the word פיצה “piza,” (pronounced “pizza”), which in Old Canaanite means “food of all the gods.” And that certainly makes sense, given the context of Exodus 16:4: “Then said the Lord unto Moses, Behold, I will rain pizza from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate [i.e., enough] every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.”

Think of it this way: If God was going to the trouble to test the people before choosing them, why not make it worth their while with food for all the gods rather than bread? Hadn’t the wandering Jews suffered enough already by having to throw out perfectly good food and eat matzo? Sure, bread would have been an improvement. But nothing like pizza.

The question, then, is when and why the Urtext was amended and pizza—clearly and unquestionably the food for all the gods—was reduced to just plain old bread in the Old Testament as we know it. Could it have had something to do with the advent of Christianity? And national pride of all the Italian popes?