10 January—Congratulations are in order for Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin III. (Do people call him Trip or Trey?) First, for having the presumably regular prostate poke that revealed his cancer. We all know men who would rather die than undergo a so-called digital rectal exam, commonly initialized as DRE. (You wonder why a rapper would name himself after that procedure just because his Christian name is Andre.) And some men who have died because they didn’t. Given the extremely personal nature of the surgery, Gen. Austin’s reticence is understandable. But his top aides really screwed up in keeping his cancer and surgery from Joe Biden.

(When your humble editor had his first DRE, by the way, he fell in love with the doctor.)

Taking away” digital” and “exams” from “digital rectal exams” leaves us with “rectal.” That’s the adjectival form of the noun “rectum,” from the Latin “rectum,” the neuter of the adjective “rectus,” meaning “straight.”

In English, however, “rectum” is just a polite way of saying “asshole.” The other polite way is “anus,” though there is a difference. The rectum is the final few inches of the large intestine, connecting to the anus, whose muscles—the celebrated anal sphincters—are essentially the valves that control the passage of whatever solid, liquid, or gas is waiting to pass.

Thus the prostate exam is digital rectal rather than digital anal because the probing digits venture beyond the anus to literally feel out the prostate. And in the interest of completeness it must be said that “anus” is the Latin word for “old woman.” Really. But old women can rest assured that they’re not the namesakes of assholes (although some may in fact be). Rather, English “anus” is a contraction of Latin “anulus,” meaning “ring.” Because that’s precisely what the anus is.

Back to old-fashioned assholes, then. Yesterday The Monitor’s scavenger-in-chief (no, he’s not the subject asshole) skimmed two partisan begging letters off the very top of a Litchfield post orifice recycling bin. One was from the Biden Victory Fund, the same as the one we pictured a few days ago, but with a picture of Joe and Vice President Whatsername instead of an Old Blind Joe sticker enclosed.

The other begging letter was from the Election Fairness Institute (EFI) in Phoenix and signed by its executive director, Mark Finchem. “Dear American Patriot,” it started, “The fake news media wants you to believe that the 2020 and 2022 elections were the most secure in US history and that anyone who questions their judgment is a conspiracy theorist.”

Oh, that Mark Finchem. Remember him? Now the asshole connection is obvious. Finchem, whose picture decorates the envelope and letter, is the ultra-far-right Republican Oath Keeper schmuck who ran for Arizona Secretary of State in 2022 with Donald Trump’s endorsement. ’Nuff said? Not quite. Finchem boasted during the campaign that if he lost the election he wouldn’t concede. He did and he didn’t.

A man of his word when it suits him, Finchem sued to have the election “nullified and redone,” but his suit was dismissed with prejudice, along with a similar one filed by assholette Kari Lake who didn’t get elected Arizona’s governor.

EFI’s actual begging form—also adorned by Finchem’s picture—refers to a “sacrificial gift.” Novel use of the term. Like the sacrifice required for the Roman Catholic priesthood, perhaps?

The Election Fairness Institute, which is clearly a political action committee (PAC), nevertheless claims that it’s “engaged in election process research and publication of such research for the public interest of advancing transparent, secure and fair elections, free of special interest influence over the suffrage of U.S. Citizens.” In all events, it’s “recognized by the IRS as a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization” to which “gifts are tax-deductible.” Why and how the hell was that allowed to happen?

But reprehensible as probably all of its principals and most of its principles may be, some of EFI’s stated “reforms” are in fact highly desirable: using paper ballots with currency-grade watermarks, for instance, as well as ending mass mail-in ballots, enhancing voter ID requirements, and—at the very least—banning ballot drop boxes.

Not that there’s any way to completely end election manipulation and voting fraud. That would be un-American . . .