7 January—Today being Pass Gas Day makes it perfect for posting begging—whoops, make that fund-raising—letters from the presidential campaigns of Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Both letters were rescued from one of the overflowing Litchfield post orifice recycling bins, as usual. To read them, you’d think Donald and Joe had already got their parties’ nominations. Not that there’s much doubt.

The letters are reproduced here with the identities of the recipients redacted (in white rather than the usual black because it’s less unpleasant) to preclude their embarrassment and retribution by their respective parties—and especially by Trump.

Same old same old crap in both wastes of good paper, as expected. And the empty postage-paid return envelopes will, of course, be sealed and sent to the Biden Victory Fund and Trump Save America JFC. Only because the USPS needs the revenue, to be sure, even though it doesn’t deserve help, especially from royally screwed PO box customers. (JFC, as the Trump letter’s disclosure tells us, is a Joint Fundraising Committee “composed of and authorized by Donald J. Trump for President 2024, Inc. and Save America.”)

Neither Trump nor Biden had anything to do with the letters over their signatures, of course. But the copywriters who did the dirty for Joe got the predictably unimpressive Democrat platform down pretty well while the ones who did it for Donald were able to capture his excessively offensive style most effectively. That’s what does the job. Suffice to say, Donald’s people did a much better job than Joe’s hacks.

Obviously enough people take these letters seriously and send money to make it worthwhile for candidate committees to send them. But you wonder why.

Further comment is unnecessary. Except. Affixed to Joe Biden’s sorry letter was the sticker pictured at the bottom. Evidently it alludes to a notorious Brandon meme popular among especially dimwitted Republicans. If you didn’t know, “Let’s Go Brandon” is supposed to be a euphemism for “Fuck Joe Biden.” But what the hell were Joe’s sorry hacks thinking when they sent that sticker with a fund-raising letter?

Joe’s eyes are supposed to be lasers. But the picture makes Biden look like a demon straight out of a horror movie. Maybe he’s supposed to look like he’s been blinded like Samson in Gaza by having his eyes gouged out with a hot poker. But Joe never was a Samson. In any way. On the other hand, Joe Biden stands a very good chance of bringing down the temple . . .