11 December—Jonathan is old, blind from cataracts, and can’t smell even the food on his special diet. But his hearing is excellent, as is his sex life. He’s also bisexual and generally monogamous these days, spending some of his time with Emily but most with Frederica, his long-term significant other.

Frederica may in fact be Frederick. Not that it matters and not that Jonathan cares. Because he’s not fussy; and, as the hook said, Jonathan is old. (Not that age makes a difference, to be sure.) In fact, this year he’s 190, perhaps a bit older. His birth date is celebrated as 4 December 1832, though it may have been earlier. So this tribute is a week late.

Jonathan is a Seychelles giant tortoise, a subspecies of the Aldabra giant tortoise, probably the oldest living land animal, and almost certainly the oldest living member of the LGBTQ+ community. Giant tortoises are known to live a very, very long time, but Jonathan’s longevity is exceptional even among that species and subspecies.

Jonathan became restless and aggressive a long, long time ago, so he was finally—in 1991— introduced to Frederica to appease him and calm him down. (Normally they’d opt for physical or chemical castration, but apparently a new sex partner worked for lucky old Jonathan.)

Frederica and Jonathan have been a devoted couple ever since. Giant tortoises are particularly horny, so Jonathan and Frederica naturally got to their rumpy-pumpy immediately. Presumably they’re still at it. And Jonathan likes to be present when Frederica gets her or his physicals. No kidding.

But in three decades, no kids. That’s why Frederica has for several years been thought to be Frederick. The consulting veterinarian says that Fred’s gender can’t be verified because of a deformity in her or his plastron (bottom shell). (Is there no other way?) And giant tortoise guys have been known to do the dirty with empty shells, should their preferred partners have headaches. (But why would empty giant tortoise shells be lying around?)

So who knows? Incidentally, Jonathan and his pals (I hesitate to call them his harem) live on Saint Helena, a very, very remote British territory in the south Atlantic Ocean, whither he and three other fully mature—i.e., at least 50-year-old—giant tortoises were brought from the Seychelles, at the time a marginally less remote British territory in the Indian Ocean, in 1882. The Jonathan & Co. are not usually confined and live happily on the grounds of Plantation House, the governor’s official residence.

There have been even older giant tortoises than Jonathan. The record holder just now is thought to be Adwaita, an Aldabra giant tortoise who died in Kolkata in 2006, having been born on Aldabra (one of the Seychelles) around 1750, given to Clive of India, and ultimately moved to a Calcutta zoo in 1876, where he died surrounded by friends and family. Calcutta is now Kolkata and Adwaita was probably straight.

And yes, Napoleon was exiled to Saint Helena and died there in 1821, a decade before Jonathan was born . . .