1 November—Rather than bore readers with predictions about tomorrow’s local elections, I’ll bore you with a story I wrote in 2015 for Litchfield.bz, strategically updated. Suffice to say, my grumpy neighbor hasn’t changed a bit.

With the advent of this year’s election season, before we forget about previous elections, here’s a shocking revelation about the race for the fifth congressional district. For it’s not generally known that Congresswoman Elizabeth Esty, a Democrat, owed her 2014 victory to a dyed-in-the-wool Republican, a former treasurer of the Litchfield Republican Town Committee.

What, you’re wondering, could have caused such an incredible political aberration? Make that perversion. Well, to cut to the painfully pompous chase, it was an act of treachery pure and simple. Here’s the story:

Just before Election Day 2014, Litchfield Republicans put up on the vast lawn on state right-of-way in front of my neighbor Harold X’s manse a quartet of identical signs for the GOP gubernatorial ticket, along with only one solitary sign for Litchfield’s own congressional candidate, Mark Greenberg. And no other signs. The signs were supposed to have been placed on the narrow strip of greensward abutting my driveway, but, hard as it is to believe, the Republicans missed the mark. Not that putting up lawn signs anywhere is worth the trouble or expense anyway.

As it happened, while Harold X had no problem with the several Foley-Somers signs or with the Chapin and Miner that were put up, Harold X wanted me to take down the lone Greenberg sign. Me. And just the Greenberg sign. That I hadn’t even put up. I demurred on principle, of course, while assuring him he was welcome to do it himself. But Harold preferred to phone the selectmen’s office and was advised that since the unwelcome sign was on state, not town, property, he could call the state or do it himself.

(Remember Foley and Somers, by the way? It’s incredible they lost to Malloy and Wyman, whom nobody admitted to voting for.)

I happened serendipitously to be in the selectmen’s office when Harold’s call came in. Suffice to say, the reaction to it was risibly hysterical. I can only presume the reaction at the ConnDOT garage was similar.

Come to think of it, many years earlier, when the crew reconstructing my rather long driveway left some arboreal detritus overnight on what was actually my side of the property line, Harold X had, instead of complaining to me, prevailed upon the first selectman to complain to me. And Harold was lots more neighborly and rational—and even friendly—back then. Go figure.

Anyway, that afternoon, Harold X, having been rebuffed by me and the town—and presumably the state—did what any petulant child would do in the circumstance and, instead of simply removing the Greenberg sign, went to the trouble of painting a big X in silver paint on each side of the offensive placard as it stood. (That’s why I call him Harold X, by the way, rather than Harold A, B, or C.)

Thus, it’s perfectly obvious that Harold X’s purposive desecration of that one Greenberg sign put a curse on poor Mark’s candidacy, inevitably dooming it and assuring the re-election of Congresswoman Esty. (Remember her?) I mean, what else could have caused Mark to lose? Didn’t his campaign sign boldly proclaim “Because You Deserve Better”? Well, even though he almost single-handedly helped Chabad Lubavitch of Litchfield County Inc invade and desecrate Litchfield, Mark Greenberg certainly did deserve better than to have his sign desecrated and his campaign cursed to oblivion by Harold X.

And the aftermath is even more pitiful. And more incredible. And more ridiculous. Because I refused to do his bidding, a few weeks after the cursed election Harold X confronted me and, boasting “I never forget,” banned me from ever again walking across his lawn. Yes, I was and am summarily banished from the consuetudinary verdant path that I and generations of Scotties had been treading for over four decades, ever since Harold X’s ancient harridan of a grandmother, Me-Ma X, haunted the manse from her bed, well before adult [sic] Harold X inherited the property.

Affable, neighborly, non-confrontational recluse that I am, I humbly apologized to Harold X for my thoughtless refusal to acquiesce to his asinine demand. But he wasn’t willing to forgive. Or forget.

Shortly thereafter, Harold X peevishly confided, “One thing I hate is phonies, you’re a phony, and you’ve lied ever since I’ve known you.” What can I say? Next thing you know, he’ll nominate me for governor. Or president. (To Harold X’s credit, however, he was resolutely, surprisingly, and creditably opposed to Donald Trump. So he’s not all bad. But that’s another story.)

To exacerbate the silliness, Harold X put up “no trespassing” signs facing a part of my driveway and our beautiful neighbor’s house, presumably for my benefit. Our beautiful neighbor found them ugly, not to mention tacky, disgraceful, and unbelievable. He took them down within the month. And our new beautiful neighbor has no idea Harold X’s “no trespassing” signs had ever befouled my driveway.

In his haste to sock it to me, Harold X even went over the line, as it were, posting a sign effectively warning me to keep off my own property. I’m still incredulous that Harold X actually sprung for the signs, as he’s even cheaper than I. Will he spring for closed-circuit TV or a fence? Or a Prozac?

When Harold X is in Litchfield—he actually lives in the notorious first congressional district and comes here for rural recreation and to reassure himself that his manse is still standing—he can be observed every now and then diligently patrolling his perimeter, armed with what looks like a camera and who knows what else, hoping to catch and perhaps dispatch a certain trespasser in the act.

But isn’t that what neighbors do when they have hissy fits? Let’s hear it for dirty old men! Whoops. Freudian slip showing. Make that grumpy old men, as my percipient son calls us.

In all events, I apprised Congresswoman Esty’s minions of the invaluable assistance Harold X’s curse on Mark Greenberg rendered her 2014 campaign and of the debt Connecticut Democrats owed at least one grumpy old Litchfield Republican. Mrs. Esty should therefore have done the right thing and thanked Harold X for doing his part to keep Connecticut’s congressional delegation all Democrat. But I wasn’t counting on it . . .